To start from the beginning go here.
Because it has been nearly nine years since my cancer diagnosis, sometimes I feel disconnected from that experience. Sometimes it feels like all of that happened to a different person. And maybe it is because I was a different person then. I have changed a lot since I had cancer. My outlook on life has changed. I am no longer the person who seeks to look for conspiracies and poisons in my food. I no longer look at food as inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but I try to eat food that is nutritious and beneficial to my body without beating myself up for indulgences every once in a while. I give thanks to God every morning that I am alive. I am more aware of the beauty of God’s creations around me. I seek to immerse myself in gospel study instead of sensationalist media. I enjoy my quiet moments of solitude and my more boisterous times with family and friends around me. I savor each relationship more deeply.
There are some lessons that I have learned along the way. I have learned that I don’t have all the answers. I used to think that my path to healing cancer would work for everybody if they followed it as strictly as I did. But I’ve come to realize that what I did was specific for me. When it was determined that conventional medicine couldn’t offer me any chance of full recovery, I prayed earnestly and searched elsewhere. God directed me in my research to Jeannie’s blog, to the Gerson therapy and Hallelujah Acres diet, to Dr. John and the W Clinic. In each case I felt strongly that this was something to pursue. I realize that this is not the treatment that everyone should follow. I’ve seen people try my method and have it not work, and others who have found success in taking a different path. Each person has to do their own research and feel good about his or her path to healing.
Another thing I have learned is that “healthy” is a subjective term. While I was deeply immersed in my orthorexia mindset, I used to be appalled when people told me how “healthy” their diets were, yet sugar would be a consistent ingredient in what they ate, or how meat was a necessary component of every meal. Some would follow a strict keto diet (which was equal to death in my mind) or include lots of processed foods. I felt that these diets were definitely not healthy because they did not fit into my criteria of what makes a diet “healthy.” I have come to the realization that each body is different and has unique requirements and limitations. I have a genetic mutation that affects the way my body absorbs and utilizes folate and folic acid. Many sources claim that those with the MTHFR mutation should focus on a keto diet, and avoid grains and dairy. This recommendation didn’t comply with my research for cancer healing. So I had to adapt and pay attention to my body. My body tolerated freshly ground whole wheat so I opted to keep it in my diet. And I realize that not every MTHFR mutation is the same. My siblings who have been tested for the mutation all have a different variation of the mutation. So their methylation is different from mine and therefore their diets may be different from mine and be just fine for them.
I recognize that others with different genetic limitations have different dietary requirements. There have been studies that individuals with epilepsy benefit from a keto diet. Diabetics have to be very careful with their carbohydrate intake. I have met a few individuals with severe gluten intolerance, so much so that their bodies have violent reactions and they become very ill after ingesting just a little gluten. I have even noticed different dietary needs of my children. Some crave protein and meat, while some prefer a more vegetarian diet. My whole notion of what is “healthy” has aligned with what Michael Pollan begins with in his book In Defense of Food when he says, “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” I might also add to eat foods as close to their original form as possible. I believe that God created food to be the most nourishing in its natural state. The more processed a food is, the less nutritious it is as well. But it is important to pay attention to your body and its needs and to recognize when your body doesn’t respond well to a particular food.
Most importantly, I have learned to be forgiving. At first I had to learn to forgive myself for not adhering strictly to my diet. I would occasionally have a piece of cake or organic tortilla chips, or some chicken and I would be hard on myself that I slipped from my diet. My scans had been clear for years and I had no evidence of disease. The aggressive nature of my cancer meant it would have come back within two years if it was coming back at all. But it took years for me to overcome my perceived notion of what a healthy diet looks like. I have also had to learn to forgive myself for how my lifestyle while overcoming cancer has affected my kids. The oldest has absorbed some of my rigid mindsets regarding food and I have tried to teach him to overcome it. In some ways he has. Also, my lifestyle right after diagnosis didn’t lend much extra time between food prep and treatments to allow me to involve my children in extracurricular activities. I didn’t have the time to put them in swim lessons, or on soccer teams, or gymnastics or dance classes. I have a lot of regrets but I have to be content that God has allowed me to be alive to be with my kids as they grow up. After all, that is what I prayed for–what I wanted most. I know that my kids needed their mom more than they needed to have those experiences.
And I have learned to allow that same forgiving grace to others. I believe that in most cases, people have good intentions in their actions. They may say or do something that can be perceived as offensive, but I do believe that most people are altruistic in nature, not malicious. And when people make mistakes I have tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and forgive them. It has brought me a peace that I haven’t always had. I’m still not perfect at it, but aren’t we all a work in progress? It has been said that trials and hardships teach us empathy in a way that can’t be learned otherwise. It has definitely been the case for me. I guess in some ways having cancer has been a blessing. I have scars–physically, mentally, and emotionally. But the scars remind me that I have lived, I have had life-changing experiences, and that I have learned and hopefully become better for it.